


Let Go

by sunshinne_skz



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Anxiety, Bang Chan & Lee Felix are Siblings, Gen, Han Jisung | Han & Lee Felix are Best Friends, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lee Felix (Stray Kids)-centric, References to Depression, Sad Ending, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:01:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24672013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshinne_skz/pseuds/sunshinne_skz
Summary: Felix is struggling.He has friends, he has a brother who loves him, he has good grades and people generally like him.However, that doesn't stop the fear from driving him into loneliness, doesn't stop the demons from trying to take over his heart.He can hold his own most of the time.But he can't do it forever.!! Don't read if you are easily triggered !!
Relationships: Bang Chan/Kim Woojin, Bang Chan/Lee Felix, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Felix, Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Felix, Kim Seungmin/Lee Felix, Kim Seungmin/Yang Jeongin | I.N, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin, Lee Felix/Yang Jeongin | I.N
Comments: 10
Kudos: 102





	Let Go

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! So this is a very depressing story, one I would usually be against writing because I believe in happy endings- they're literally all that keeps some of us going. But well, I just felt like I needed to write this, so if you like it, I'm glad, but also, don't be afraid to reach out. Never. There's always someone willing to listen, trust me. 
> 
> And if you guys think there needs to be a part two- perhaps a different ending... don't hesitate to tell me. I'm not so sure about this.
> 
> I hope you can still enjoy!

"I love summer" He smiled, excited to remember about all the fun days and late nights out, about the laughing fits he used to have with all his best friends, about the freedom and about the warmth of the sun. It was calming, in a way, maybe hopeful, to think about it during the winter when everything was cold and frozen and people were not willing to go out.

"It's way too hot! I'm so not ready for three months of that." Seungmin whined, leaning on Jeongin who just giggled and nodded. 

"But it's fun!" He pressed on anyway.

"Yeah, I mean. There's no school, I can watch my dramas without worrying I'mma fail a class." Hyunjin laughed and Seungmin just scoffed.

"You and your dramas." 

However, Felix just smiled. He knew that no matter how much his friends complained now, they never shied away from any random trips out of the city, or a day at the pool, or even simply a long long walk.

Felix was still smiling now, though there was the salty taste in his mouth- from all the tears that slipped past his chapped lips. He was still smiling, as he stared at the world opening in front of him, under his dangling feet.

He wasn't shaking anymore. It made him wonder if he was really all that sad and desperate to begin with. People usually tremble and find it hard to breathe in times like this, while Felix cried silently, a small sob wracking his frame here and there.

It was summer. And it was night too. 

The city was alive, people were laughing in the distance, random groups of teenagers enjoying the late hours with no adults in sight aside from the occasional passer by. It was perfect, it was all he had longed for during the past year. It was moments like this when he would've been down there, screaming the lyrics to his then favorite songs with his friends, running around and making memories to last a life time.

But now... Now he was alone, but he was content. He always knew, deep down, that it will come to this. No matter how much he smiled or how much he hoped, he knew that at the end... no one would be there with him. 

Felix sat there, humming the tune of a song he heard on the radio a few days ago. Things were so different then... Yet somehow they were the same as they've always been. 

He found out a lot during the past two years, Felix concluded. 

He found out that no matter how much you try, how many hours of sleep you lose for someone, how many lines you draw on your skin, how many fears you fight just to make them happy, make them feel safe... You're still going to be the bad guy. You're still the one who "left when things got hard", still the one who gave up, who manipulated everyone. 

He found out that no matter how many people tell you they are going to be there... And no matter how much you know they mean it, how much they try to mean it... In the darkest times, you're alone. You're alone and you're crying, desperately trying to hold on to something. And then the next day you're smiling bright and they have no idea.

He found out that being bisexual is something you have to fight against. It's something you should not accept, something that is wrong, religiously speaking. Being bisexual means friends not letting you cuddle them or hug them anymore because...you must have a crush on them, right? 

He found out that he's never trying enough. Never doing good enough. Never fighting enough. That he always just gives up and doesn't care about anyone else in his life but himself.

Felix chuckled, wiping away a tear as he shook his head. How come he was so naive? How could he believe life was actually more than people said? How could he believe it was beautiful as long as you tried your best to make it that way? 

And the worst part is that he can see himself making the same mistakes he loves to judge.

He ignores people for days, simply because he can't bring himself to talk to anyone. 

He avoids sensitive subjects because he's scared of getting overwhelmed again, because he fears he will not be able to handle them well enough and only mess things up.

He talks about himself a lot to anyone who would listen, sometimes not even paying attention to how he might ruin their mood. 

He's just as wrong, as unpolished as everyone else yet he's always hoping someone will barge into his life and show him there's a point to all of this.

Then, there are days when Felix is sitting in the bathroom, razor in hand, staring at his old cuts adorning his thigh and he's shaking but he can't bring himself to make one single line. Because he's fought so hard to stay clean. A few month already. He can't lose that. He can't get that bad.

But then he thinks, when he's surrounded by friends and still feels like crying, jamming out to his favorite tunes yet still feeling his heart thundering... He thinks that he already got that bad anyway.

Felix visualised this moment for many nights on end. He saw himself escaping this world and his fears in many ways throughout the years. However, he never imagined that he will actually... have the courage to pull through.

Even now, when he was so high up, he still hesitated. He's still wondering... What if, you know? What if things DO get better? What if someone DOES come into his life? What if everything finally settles and he's going to feel happy for once? 

"No..." He whispers into the night, the soft summer breeze caressing his face softly. He closes his eyes- it's almost like a touch, almost like someone was actually there for once. 

But there isn't anyone.

His phone is turned on but there are no texts, no calls... Nothing. No one's reaching out. And yeah, he should reach out too, no one can know he needs help if he doesn't say so, but... He can't bring himself to care enough about that right now.

So Felix looks down again. He stands up on the edge and he wipes the tears away. He doesn't want his last moments to be spent crying. Not anymore.

Felix thinks about Jisung, his best friend, and he know he is going to be sad. He is going to wonder what he did wrong and that breaks his heart.

He thinks about Hyunjin, who is going to cry a lot, and then some more- he's always been really sensitive. He smiles sadly, he wished he could make sure his friend won't be sad.

He thinks about Seungmin and Jeongin, who are going to be confused, who are going to question everything, including themselves, who won't belive it's real.

He thinks about Changbin, who was always there when he did reach out. But he was so caught up in his own worries that Felix promised himself he won't add up.

He thinks about Minho who... Minho who struggled so much too. Minho who always babied him when he could, Minho who could never understand enough because he didn't want to believe it was true that his friend was facing so many things.

Then Felix thought about his brother, Chan, who tried his best to cheer him up, to remind him how loved he was, to make him see there was always light in the darkness... Chan who honestly deserved better, Chan who will be devastated. 

He almost backed out of it. He didn't want to pass his suffering to the ones he loved most. But... But he couldn't. He just couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't wake up and face another day, knowing he will get to the same point. He couldn't feel that cold fear squeezing his chest, couldn't take thinking about the future and breaking down crying. 

So Felix looked up at the sky one more time. He hummed his favorite song softly one last time. And he smiled, he wanted to smile like that forever.

Then, he took one step into the void.

Felix let himself go.


End file.
